HATRED

Truth is, there are people in my life I love by virtue of it is written: “Thou shall love thy neighbors as I have loved thee”. (by the way, the next time you’re getting me a bible for my birthday gift, make it a King James version. How I love the Shakespearean language! Thank you.)But this is because at times I tend to overlook God’s own extravagant love for me. What if Christ died for me just because God forced him to?  There would have been no compassion. I’d still be dredging up my past sins and mistakes and facing the consequences. I’d still be schlepping all my past filth. Yeah, that’s how I’d be without His forgiveness.

You know, Jesus was crucified on the cross so that we could stop crucifying ourselves. He was hung up for our hang-ups. How is that? There’s something Perks told me sometime back that when we give God all our mistakes and failures, he throws them into the deepest part of the sea then he puts up a sign that says “No Fishing”. He doesn’t want us to keep dredging up our sins. Neither does he want us to dwell on our past hurts. And all it takes is a forgiving heart.

We seriously can’t allow guys who have hurt us in the past to continue hurting us. The point is, each time we dwell on these past offences, we allow them to hurt us again. Okay, let’s be practical, how many times have you felt better after thinking about a past mistreatment? Hardly any! Many at times we end up feeling even worse.

It’s actually from these poignant reminders that lead us to harboring bitterness. Nine times out of ten the desire and feelings of vengeance are the result. The anger festers into bitterness. Bitterness leads to rage and rage is the spirit behind murder. And who said termination of human life pleases God?

God wants you to be the very best. So get down on your knees and repent for harboring ill feelings. Why should we let hatred stop us from becoming the very best that He wants us to be?  It’s so easy to harbor hatred in one’s heart, trust me. The problem is, it always resurfaces. It adds fuel to the fire. And hey, what’s the reason for your loads of unanswered prayers? And just if I may ask, why do we forfeit blessings and power God desires for us?

Friend, we might list down millions of reasons why we cannot forgive but it all gets back to us: we are hurt over and over! Promise me you’ll think over this. Thanks.

A SENSE OF CONNECTION

Growing up in a big family is great preparation for the big world. I’m in a family of two parents and five children (5 handsome men and two gorgeous ladies). Some, okay three, are already married, two in stable relationships and well, two are still trynna find themselves. And what I love about the family is the diversity. It’s one thing I’ve learnt to appreciate. I also love the sense of connection.

A sense of connection is the realization that going through life with other people is a better way to go. What often make relationships more interesting are our differences. The kind of family am in has made me accept and prefer that I am one small cog in a big giant wheel that includes family, friends, co-workers, strangers-all kinds of connections. And I’ve learnt that it’s the quality of these connections that determine the quality of my life.

Some people find out much too late in life that they are not the centre of the universe. The size of the family alone was enough to let me know the world doesn’t exactly revolve around me as much as I’d love it to. I’m glad I faced that fact early enough. I never got any attention even when I thought I needed it most.

Bellah, I know you are reading this. Yeah, I need you back. Chic, life sucks without you!! I want you to get this clear. It’s not what happens in life that matters; it’s how we respond to what happens that is. Happiness always looks small while you hold it in your hands, but let it go and you learn at once how big and precious it is. Happiness depends on happenings but joy is an inside job. You are definitely old enough to decide your life’s course but please do consider what they rest of us are currently going through given your bad choices. I’m even surprised at myself I’ve been having sleepless nights because of you! It’s clear; I love you and seriously don’t deserve this!

The size of my family has taught me how to relate with others. It has made me aware of my limits and place in the society. Our differences are what make life worth living. So if you can’t accept others for who they are, it’s time you knew your views don’t count.

WHAT WE RESIST PERSISTS

Today Tms, a close pal, and I were discussing why stuff we resist tends to persist. Why do you think what we resist persists? I realized the only reason why people do not have what they want is because they are thinking more about what they don’t want than what they do want. Before we continue, you must agree with the fact that creation is always happening. Every time an individual has a thought or a prolonged chronic way of thinking, they are in the creation process. Something is going to manifest out of those thoughts, right? A person who sets his/her mind on the dark side of life, who lives over and over the misfortunes and disappointments of the past, prays for similar misfortunes and disappointments in the future. (The Secret!)

If you see nothing but ill luck in the future, you are praying for such ill luck and will surely get it. I think this is a problem experienced by the whole world. It’s actually a disease come to think of it. That explains why we can never find solutions to world disasters. Look, we have anti-war, anti-drug, anti-jigger campaigns, poverty eradication plans, HIV/AIDS awareness campaigns… but you know what, energy flows where attention goes. Why don’t we think along peace, abundance, health and love lines? An affirmative thought is hundreds of times more powerful than a negative thought.

My dear, it’s not your job to change the world or the people around you. It’s your job to go with the flow inside of the universe, and to celebrate it inside the world that exists. Mnh?  One of my favorite authors says resistance to anything is like trying to change the outside pictures after they have been transmitted. It’s a futile pursuit. You have to go within and emit a new signal with your thoughts and feelings to create the new pictures. Got it?

Remember that no matter what the difficulty is, no matter where it is, no matter who is affected you have no patient but yourself; you have nothing to do but convince yourself of the truth which you desire to see manifested. So learn to become still and take your attention away from what you don’t want, and place your attention, and all the emotional charge around it, on what you want to experience…energy flows where attention goes-repetition could be healthy.

If you haven’t read The Secret, make a point of including it on your ‘To-read’ list. Deal?

I WISH YOU WELL

                  My late friend sent me a letter while I was still in high school and I thought I should share it with you. It was actually the last one he wrote me before he passed on sometime last year. Here it goes:

My friend,

I wish you well. May the flame that tempers the bright steel of your youth never die, but burn always; so that when your work is done and your long day has ended, you may still be like a watchman’s fire at the end of a lonely road-loved and cherished for your gracious glow by all wayfarers who need light in their darkness and warmth for their comfort.

The spirit of wonder and adventure, the token of immortality was given to you as a child. May you keep it forever, with that in your heart which always seeks the gold beyond the rainbow, the pastures beyond the desert, the dawn beyond the sea, the light beyond the dark.

May you seek always and strive always in good faith and high courage, in this world where men grow so tired.

Keep your power to receive everything; only learn to select what your instinct tells you is right.

Keep your love of life but throw away your fear of death. Life must be loved or it is lost; but it should never be loved too well.

Keep your delight in friendship; only learn to know your friends.

Keep your intolerance-only save it for what your heart says is bad.

Keep your wonder at great and noble things like sunlight and thunder, the rain and the stars, the wind and the sea, the growth of trees and the return of harvests, and the greatness of heroes.

Keep your heart hungry for new knowledge; keep your hatred of a lie; and keep your power of indignation.

In thought, as a last benediction, I hug you tight. Good night to you-and good morning and a clear dawn.

Today is his memorial. I can not exactly ascertain the originality of the letter but it’s one of the things I read every day when I wake and just gives me the focus.

HOPE

Hope from Nowhere
by Joel S. Andrada Jr.


I’ve understood nothing
except the murdered height of mountains peak,
the heat of the sun at twelve,
the memories of yesterday,
the action of my sins.
I wait for floating clouds to stop moving,
for my mind, heart, skin
teeth and soul are longing;
and the air smells of rotten leaves
and the shadows around me rises.
When will this end?

This was a poem written by one of my favorite poets and close friend. It’s my favorite in his collection. You know hope is all there is to life. A normal human being can take 40 days without food, 8 minutes without air but not a second without hope. Hope is drawn from faith. And without faith life is meaningless.

Jana I was having a conversation with 2 of my atheist friends. I was just curious to know from what perspective they view God. “He is the most ignorant thing I know. In fact I respect our roman gods more. The roman gods never promised us a thing. They never told us they loved or cared for us coz it’s true they didn’t! But here is a God who promises honey and milk when all I go through every other day is pain and frustration. He tells me he cares when he can’t show up when I need him most. He tells me he loves me when he can’t hold my hand to see me through my losses and hurts. If he is so omnipotent, what’s so hard about preventing all these from the start?”One of them said.

This was one guy who’s been through a lot and if you think the tough times you’ve had in your time are humongous, my dear, there are people who’ve been through worse. This friend of mine lost his faith but not hope. His trust in God dwindled but funny how he still believes there’s hope at the end of the tunnel. Hope is what gives us the fortitude to hang in there knowing our loving God will fix stuff for us. It gives us the strength to brave our way through tough storms knowing there’s a brighter tomorrow. Yes, it gives you the strength to rise up from your ashes, claim your dignity, hold your head high in defiance and move on with your life.

Tough times never last, tough people do. Where you are now is not the issue, it’s where you want to go. And trust me; hope coupled with faith can take you there. Now, have a hope filled day, won’t you!!

MY BIGGEST ENEMY

I hate having to talk about this but one way or the other, reality must be faced!! Ok, wait. My morning hasn’t been the loveliest. One, I woke up late (at 5.00 a.m) and so couldn’t catch up with the news. My alarm didn’t go off (could be too old for its liking I guess!), that’s why. I hate having to wake up late coz it messes my whole schedule plus I’m always so worked up at the end of the day. Secondly, I’m offline-can’t call Reagan and Wajia, can’t text Sunshine and Raj as routine has it. These are the people who keep my sanity on check and at least make me feel human enough. I even forgot to wake Raj (my sleepy-head) up and I’m praying he’s not late for his classes (CPA lectures which he so ‘loves’!). Third, I had missed out on a programming job yesterday and the disappointment hadn’t worn off as such. To seal it all, I got to the office only to realize I had left the keys in the house!! How worse can my days get?!!? That aside.

When I was four, dad told me an enemy is anything or anyone that stands on our way as we race to the top. Basically put, they are the obstacles and distractions that come our way on the road to success. And trust me, I have several enemies!! Apparently one of my biggest challenges right now is to challenge my laziness and self doubt. I’m too lazy to even take initiative. I’ve lost the self trust I used to have. And where did all the enthusiasm I had go? I cringe whenever I confess this but change will only come through my acceptance of this truth: I AM MY BIGGEST ENEMY!!

I don’t know why but I’m always fighting against myself. “I can’t do this”, “I can’t afford this”, “I’m still too young for that” and so many other lame excuses the world has had no crutches for. Must I always deny myself access to stuff I so badly need? Why do I say “I can’t afford it” to a house or car I’ve always dreamt of owning? Why do I say “I can’t do this” to something that will be of benefit to me at the end of the day? Must I always lose trust in myself whenever responsibilities arise? Now this is what dad would call pure insanity!!

Saying I am contented to be where I am presently would be a bit glib. I am more than ready to change. And changing from being my worst enemy to my best friend is not exactly very easy but I got to do it. To refuse change is to get oneself into a rut and the difference between a rut and a grave is the dimensions! And seriously, I haven’t achieved enough to want myself dead!!! What legacies have I to leave behind anyway?

If there’s someone I love it’s Sila Joy Monthe! She is just the best friend anyone would ask for. If it weren’t for her, I wouldn’t have discovered I was my biggest enemy let alone taking my biggest step towards acceptance. She can get really ruthless when I don’t run my life as I should but I still can’t help but thank her for the far I’ve come. Great pal there.

You don’t have to deny yourself the satisfaction of having what you want!! You’ve done that severally already and I’m assuming you’re familiar with the pain of not having what you love. So give yourself a rest (a change is as good as that anyway) by being your best friend. That transition is thrilling!!You sure don’t want to miss out, do you?

EXPERIENCE

There is only one thing more painful than learning from experience and that is not learning from experience. Experience has always been the best teacher since time immemorial. And that just means life, in itself, is a school. Everyone goes to school yes but not everyone gains something.

In Kenyan schools, we have the metric system of conversion. Apparently, I learnt distance conversion all the way from primary school but funny how there’s nowhere else am applying that knowledge-not even in my kitchen! Blame that on the irrelevant education system!! Ok, wait. Why am I just too quick to pass the blame on? I sat in a Chemistry class, made several chemical concoctions, came across loads of elements, carried out experiments (most of which backfired!!!!) but the fact that there’s hardly any procedure left in my head means I didn’t gain a thing. It’s clear; I did all that to pass my end of high school exams, which, thanks to God, I did!! Why did I even go to school for starters? To secure a place in a public university and be a dummy for the rest of my life?  Beats me!!

A wise person learns from his mistakes. A wiser one learns from others mistakes. But the wisest of all from others’ successes. Making a mistake is one thing and learning from it is another. I think our biggest problem is escapism. We make mistakes and instead of analyzing the actual feelings behind them, we run away from them by giving lame justifications. Sunshine once told me that the mistakes we make are actually more pardonable than the excuses we think up to cover them. This is true! She must have quoted it from somewhere though-her uncanny self! Monthe if you are reading this, you better affirm!! Ha!

I’ve made several mistakes in my time. Some, sad to say, never helped me much since I didn’t embrace them. So no change came by. But I’m glad I ain’t who I was yesterday-that’s worth a celebration, right? Learning from other’s successes defines wisdom! It saves you so much pain and regrets. It also redefines your focus.  

MY IDEAL MAN

Marriage was meant to be enjoyed, not endured. It was meant to be fun, not hard work. If you find yourself working too hard to impress, then it’s high time you redefined your social standards. I know of people who never realized they were with the wrong partner until it was too late. By too late I mean they had gotten into marriage and borne kids and all they had left was tolerance for each other. At this point you can never be too choosy because of the limited options. You seriously don’t want to find yourself in a similar situation, do you? Then it’s time you knew who you want in your life and why. Either way, you must learn to tolerate others. Love is not about looking for a perfect person but loving the imperfect perfectly. If you are looking for a perfect person, when you get there you’ll mess their whole lives with your imperfection!!!!

This post is long due. I should have posted it on Saturday but better late than never. I wasn’t too lazy to compose this. I was in one of my many energy saving modes. After being offline for a whole week and this was because I needed to put my life back on track, I decided to call Rajab Raj Idris, my closest boyfriend, really? There could be more to our friendship but I think it’s still too early for us to play our cards...*wink*pssst… I have a thing for innocently charming men like him; Men with an acute sense of humor, rare intelligence, responsible, God-fearing and affectionate. Men who don’t just nod to every order I bark. Men who are ready to take care of me even though doing it myself wouldn’t be a task. Men who can stomach my intelligence without feeling threatened. You’re allowed to hit me back to my senses when I fall head over heels in love. Hehehe…but at least until now am still intact-head over ears in love!!

 By the way, if there’s one thing I’m proud of it’s my heart. It’s been crashed, insulted and broken into by undeserving people but somehow it still has the strength and fortitude to function and see me through a rough day. It’s been lied to and cheated on but somehow it still allows me to gather self pride enough to make me hold my head high in defiance. It’s been torched but somehow it still gives me the faith and hope to gather my ashes and move on. It has survived all the pain, sorrows and tortures of my time. My heart doesn’t deserve all this and were it not for the dishonesty and irresponsibility of my generation, it would have been enjoying its existence. What more could be worth my pride? Tell me.

The world would have been a much better place if everyone learnt to be honest from the word go.  There would be less hurts, less pain, less tears, no frustrations, you name them! It would have been the best place to be if everyone embraced responsibility as a virtue. When I called Raj on Saturday, there’s something notable he told me and I quote “Alizo, do me a favor. Never expect too much from life and its people.” The weight of the statement didn’t exactly sink in till later that night when I got the time to reflect on the events of the day. It later struck me that about the only reason why I get disappointed severally is because I always expect everyone to live up to my standards. I’m too demanding-responsibility wise.

Back to my ideal man. What I’m looking for is not perfection but authenticity. I’m after someone who’s real; genuine. But he better not be predictable!! Life will be boring if I know how you’ll react to every surprise I stage. My man should be able to think on his toes. I don’t do ‘yes-men’ or negative ‘can’t-do-it’ people. Life is too short to let stupid cynics ruin it for me. I want a man who will face me and say, “Alizo, you’re making all the wrong decisions and I’m not exactly proud of you” whenever I make the bad choices. Yes, someone who will hold my hand and show me the way when I lose track. Is this too much to ask? If “no wonder you’ll never get married” is what you have in mind, don’t worry, I’m off to the convent.

Have yourself a thoughtful day, won’t you?